Random musings : Freedom

Yesterday afternoon , I returned from work grabbed a pair of scissors and headed straight for the bathroom . Snip , snip snip snip , I had no idea what I was doing but I smiled as I looked in the mirror and watched the hair fall down to the floor . As I watched each chunk of hair make its way to the cold laminate floor , I felt relived. It was reminiscent of cutting off all the dead weight and trouble in my life . Bidding  the dead ends goodbye.  I felt free , I felt liberated , I felt like I could take on the world . 

I am now sporting an uneven short curly Bob and to be honest I couldn’t care less .

It’s funny how it’s the smallest and most random acts that can bring us clarity . My random haircut , highlighted just how much I had to let some things go . Things that were clearly irritating me like the hair I had installed on my head . 

I had a lightbulb moment and realised what was going on with me . 

I once watched a Sermon titled ” What The Cocoon doesn’t tell you ” by Pastor Touré Roberts ( I’ll place a link to the sermon below ) . We all know about the transformation process of a caterpillar to a Butterfly . The cocoon is a critical stage in this process . It protects the caterpillar , while the internal work is being carried out .  The thing about the cocoon is that it’s a very dark , scary and awkward place . A place that brings so much uncertainty . I am currently in my cocoon phase , I have been for awhile . I have been fighting my best friends for like a year and I couldn’t understand why . All my relationships were strained . No one was understanding me and I was frustrated . Life was stagnant and I had no motivation to do anything. I was in a dark place and saw no way out. I didn’t even try to leave or understand it .I just accepted it even though I wasn’t happy . 

 I know it’s time for me to go to the next level . I know God is wrestling with me to mould me in to a better person , but I keep fighting it . I have no idea how to get there. I don’t know how long it will take and I fear I may not make it . 

I’m listening now , equip me and mould me with what I need to elevate to the next level .  I have peace in knowing that everything is for a greater good . I’m ready for that day i break free and become a butterfly , renewed and free to soar the sky . Till then I’m hanging up my ” Do Not Disturb Sign ” and embracing the cocoon phase. 

” The Wings of transformation are born of patience and struggle ” – Janet S Dickens 

Stay blessed , 

Ninz 💜

https://youtu.be/-qntqYgEqoI 

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Random musings : Letters To My Father …

We lost you 9 years ago today .. And for nearly 7 of those years i was consumed with so much guilt . Guilt for not telling you how much I loved you every single day , guilt for allowing my insecurities to overwhelm me so much I never took any pictures with you . Guilt for not killing my stubbornness and making that trip to see you . For 7 years , I prayed to God that you knew I loved you and didn’t pass away thinking I was angry with you . 

I still remember May 14th 2007 , as if it was yesterday . If I had a time machine I would go back to May 13th , make that trip to the hospital . Hold your hand one last time , see you smile and say ” Daddy , I love you and thank you ” 

I can remember your laugh , and even the way your keys would jingle as you opened the door . I can still remember the smell of your fav cologne and words can not describe how much i miss your cooking . lol think this is why I’m drawn to men that can cook !! Remember when I used to come home crying because people at school called me ugly and you said ” my dear you are beautiful ” . You could see me going in to my shell , and you did as much as you could to break it . To be honest , I miss our conversations the most . I could talk to you about anything and everything. 

There are days I imagine what my life would be like if you were still here , somehow I think I would be in a much better place , I would be happier . 

Your death taught me a lot . I no longer hold grudges , Infact I forgive very quickly . I also try and tell people I love them all the time . Traits that get me called a sap and sometimes taken advantage of but I know it is appreciated by most. I take pictures now , lots and lots and I smile in them too . I travel , I’m trying to go to all the places you wanted to visit and more . I’m still loyal to 24 and gangster movies are still my fav. I still listen to jazz, still a technology freak and still supporting Arsenal .  Even though they have barely won anything since you left 🙄. I’m also slowly learning to open up more too . My kitchen mishaps still occur from time to time and my money management is still not all the way there , but I’m improving . Still , remember all your life tips and phrases .

 I know you are watching over us and I hope I am making you proud . Thank you for encouraging me when I didn’t believe in myself I miss you and wish you were here . Love you always Leonie xxx

To anyone that has lost a parent , the pain is not something that can ever be expressed . A part of you is lost forever . We can’t turn back the hands of time, all we can do is cherish the memories we have and live life to the fullest . Our parents wouldn’t want to see us sad , so the best way we can honour them is to be happy and achieve our dreams !! 

My advice to you all : Tell your loved ones how much you love them whenever you can before it’s too late . Forgive and create special memories every moment you can . 

” Life is like a coin , you can spend it anyway you like .. But you can only spend it once ” 

Love 

Ninz

💞

Random musings : No pressure, No diamonds

 

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Without pressure there would be no diamonds. It’s how you cope with Life’s difficult situations that determine how bright you shine.

I have a diamond tattoo on my right wrist… I always get asked the meaning behind my tattoo and I reply ‘No pressure, No diamonds’. I got the tattoo as a reminder of my strength and worth. Unfortunately, I have recently forgotten this mantra and cracked under the pressures of life.  Every area in my life appeared to be going wrong and I broke down.

Heartbreak led me to start this blog and 2.5 years later I am back here again. Though it’s totally different, it is still the same pain.

If I were to describe my biggest weakness it would be communication. I don’t speak, I struggle to find the words to express myself, and when I do gather the courage to speak I stop. I stop because I just feel like my woes are just not ‘that deep’.  I brush everything under the carpet under the guise of ‘it’s fine’ and ‘I’ll be okay’ and push on with life… The thing is when you keep sweeping things under the carpet; you eventually trip over the pile you created.  It’s these ‘trips’ that lead me to my tough days, days whereby I push all friends and loved ones away and hide. I seek comfort under my covers and Lyfe Jennings singing in my ears letting me know it’s okay to cry. ‘ Ain’t nothing wrong with crying , if anyone says that’s strong , they are lying. Crying, is like taking your soul to the laundry mat. ‘It’s not the best method, but it works for me, well I believed it worked.

I have cried more tears in this last month, to last me a whole year. I feel like, I have permanent vapour rub on my nose.  I am tired, and have vowed to never feel this way again. Today, I have decided to stop running and tackle everything head on and find purpose in my pain. Use this time to really sit down and figure things out. Block out all distractions and use this pain to motivate me, ask God to prune me and mould me in to the woman I am destined to be.

‘What would a diamond, be without pressure? Would the flowers even bloom, without a little rain?’

Life will always have its up and downs.  It’s how you deal with the downtimes that will be your testimony. You could succumb to the pain and hardship and shatter like glass, or you can use it all to motivate you and push for even greater success and shine bright like the diamond you are.

I am revamping the blog, not quite sure of the direction yet but I am praying God leads me. I am currently looking for a website developer and an illustrator/ graphic designer, so I would be most grateful if you could recommend some. You can also hit me up and let me know what you would like to see on the blog.

This downpour of negativity and battles I have faced I am embracing and taking it as the soil needed for me to bloom.

To everyone going through tough/sad times.   I encourage you all to find purpose in your pain, Use this to become the best you, the best version you have always dreamed of. Don’t give up, keep pushing on and remember there will be better days.

Stay blessed.

Ninz

x

p.s check out the below clip of Lyfe Jennings performing cry in the prison where he served 10 years for arson.

New Video : Jesse Jagz & Ice Prince – Jaga Love

My fav artist is back !! Jargo has release the visuals to his dope new single ‘Jaga Love ‘ which features label mate Ice Prince .

I love the new direction Jagz is going.. can’t wait for his new album.

 

 

Enjoy ,

 

Ninz

Falz – Stories That Touch OUT NOW !!

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Falzzz The Bahd Guy is back !!!!!

Mr Cool parry , the bahhdest guy is back with his sophomore album ‘ Stories That Touch’ . The 15 track album includes features from M.I , Bez, Reekado Banks, Simi , Reminisce , Show Dem Camp, SESS and Oyinkansola .

Falz quickly became one of my favourite Nigerian artists after he dropped his debut album : The Wuzup Guy last year . Not only is Falz funny , but he has mastered the perfect blend of English , Yoruba and razz rapp.  Hence why I was up at 1am waiting for the album to appear on iTunes. So far my favourite songs are Karishika part 2 , Chardonnay Music ( the trumpet interlude on this track is amazing ) , Time Difference (SESS vocals on this track !!) , Kabiyesi and Kawosoke ..

Support Nigerian music and please buy the album via iTunes here 

Check out a few of the singles off the album below :

 

 

Enjoy,

Ninz

^_^

Love is vulnerable

 

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Everywhere I turn love/ relationships seems to be the topic of conversation. You can’t run away from it .. It’s all over my TL, wedding posts all over instagram, Engagement announcements on Facebook. It’s EVERYWHERE !! So much so , I didn’t even realise that I had started to become ‘ relationship hungry’ … The irony of it all is that , yes I do want to be in a relationship eventually .. but I know the time isn’t just right. I am a hopeless romantic , a mini Drake .. a certified Simp .. yet I am also afraid .. so afraid of what relationships bring , what they do to you , the vulnerability that comes with it . Anyhoo i stumbled on this great write up ‘Love is vulnerability’ and wanted to share with you all … Hopefully when i figure out all the thoughts in my head , i will do my own write up on this whole love thing … Till then read this great summary and check out his blog

Afuye's blog

I read something on TheNakedConvos yesterday; ‘relationship fundamentals’ they called it, and somewhere in the post the author or maybe a commenter said “Dare to be vulnerable”.
As simple as that statement is, I think it is the reason why most relationships never leave the ground, everyone wants to be the stronger person, nobody wants to be the weak one. But for you to love a person, you have to give the entirety of your being to that person, you give your time knowing it will never be recovered, you give your substance knowing you may never get it back, you give your affections knowing they may never be requited; you put yourself in such a position of vulnerability that your very happiness depended on that person, in fact your sanity depended on that person, knowing this I see no reason why you people are in a hurry to get…

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New series : Adewus4real – ‘Smokescreen’

 

As part of my blog revamp in the next few weeks , I am planning on starting a spotlight section on talented Nigerians. In the meantime, I want to quickly get you hip with one of my favourite authors before his full spotlight feature…

It’s rare you can find a story that not only captivates you with words , but also with music and pictures. Adewus4real manages to seamlessly weaves words, pictures and sounds to deliver great stories and poems week by week.

You can check out an excerpt from his latest series ‘Smokescreen’ below :

MY STORY

When I boarded the flight out of Sudan, I knew very little about what the future held.

The only thing I knew with a fair bit of certainty was that my journey was going to be about 35 hours in total to get into Arizona.

Long, I know but that long flight meant the hope of a new life.

It meant safety.

I took my seat, 21B, I still remember clearly and I scanned my surroundings.

My eyes met that of one of the other passengers. He flashed a smile at me and I forced on back.

I bent down and stowed my handbag under the seat in front of me.

Another scan of the other passengers as my head rose, I leaned back and began to whisper a prayer.

When I opened my eyes, I noticed a man standing in the aisle and he smiled as he pointed to the empty seats to my left.

“Oh, I’m sorry”

I said as I got out of my seat so he could get into his seat.

He was a white man.

He sat in the window seat and I remember praying he was the last one coming in because I didn’t want to get up again.

I rubbed my hands together and then ran them over my thighs. The man next to me smiled and said

“First time flying?”

I smiled and shyly nodded.

He smiled even bigger and said

 

“Don’t worry. Since you’re hooked and you want to know the rest of the story go to www.adewus4real.com right now and get started on this gripping series!

You can also follow The Wordmsith @adewus4real

 

It promises to be a lot of fun and suspense.

Are you up for it?

Please make sure you read and comment on his stories and let him know Ninz sent ya 😉 .

 

Thank me later ,

Ninz

p.s – don’t blame me for the hypertension his cliffhangers will give you