Random musings : Letters To My Father …

We lost you 9 years ago today .. And for nearly 7 of those years i was consumed with so much guilt . Guilt for not telling you how much I loved you every single day , guilt for allowing my insecurities to overwhelm me so much I never took any pictures with you . Guilt for not killing my stubbornness and making that trip to see you . For 7 years , I prayed to God that you knew I loved you and didn’t pass away thinking I was angry with you . 

I still remember May 14th 2007 , as if it was yesterday . If I had a time machine I would go back to May 13th , make that trip to the hospital . Hold your hand one last time , see you smile and say ” Daddy , I love you and thank you ” 

I can remember your laugh , and even the way your keys would jingle as you opened the door . I can still remember the smell of your fav cologne and words can not describe how much i miss your cooking . lol think this is why I’m drawn to men that can cook !! Remember when I used to come home crying because people at school called me ugly and you said ” my dear you are beautiful ” . You could see me going in to my shell , and you did as much as you could to break it . To be honest , I miss our conversations the most . I could talk to you about anything and everything. 

There are days I imagine what my life would be like if you were still here , somehow I think I would be in a much better place , I would be happier . 

Your death taught me a lot . I no longer hold grudges , Infact I forgive very quickly . I also try and tell people I love them all the time . Traits that get me called a sap and sometimes taken advantage of but I know it is appreciated by most. I take pictures now , lots and lots and I smile in them too . I travel , I’m trying to go to all the places you wanted to visit and more . I’m still loyal to 24 and gangster movies are still my fav. I still listen to jazz, still a technology freak and still supporting Arsenal .  Even though they have barely won anything since you left 🙄. I’m also slowly learning to open up more too . My kitchen mishaps still occur from time to time and my money management is still not all the way there , but I’m improving . Still , remember all your life tips and phrases .

 I know you are watching over us and I hope I am making you proud . Thank you for encouraging me when I didn’t believe in myself I miss you and wish you were here . Love you always Leonie xxx

To anyone that has lost a parent , the pain is not something that can ever be expressed . A part of you is lost forever . We can’t turn back the hands of time, all we can do is cherish the memories we have and live life to the fullest . Our parents wouldn’t want to see us sad , so the best way we can honour them is to be happy and achieve our dreams !! 

My advice to you all : Tell your loved ones how much you love them whenever you can before it’s too late . Forgive and create special memories every moment you can . 

” Life is like a coin , you can spend it anyway you like .. But you can only spend it once ” 





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